I don't know what it is, but lately I've been in the most introspective, analytical mood ever. Maybe it's because Henry just turned one in November, maybe it's because these are the last months before I hit the big 3-0, who knows...but I've been thinking a lot about the past few years and everything I've learned. 2011 was such a year of growth- obviously having a child is a huge part of that- but I think it goes beyond just becoming a Mom.
The other night before bed I spent an hour or so reading back through the archives here. Even though this blog is only a few years old, reading some of my earlier entries made me laugh (and cringe). I sounded so naive, so idealistic...and I think this past year has really carried me into a place of reality, with myself and with others. I think for a long time I was still figuring out who I was- and really, do we ever know? As expected I'm still learning something new everyday, but I definitely know the kind of person I want to be- and more than anything that person is positive, loving, and kind in all situations. It's simple really- I want to be my best self, and I want to surround myself with positive people who are also working towards the same.
I've had so many long discussions with Hank about the intricacies of personality; about how we have these things ingrained in us that are so difficult to change. Possible, yes. But often very hard. As far as me, I have things I am always working on. Take a positive attitude for example: some days it comes naturally, but other days it's a decision, and some days I don't really even want to expend the energy to get there. Is that weird? It's like I know I'm in a bad mood and it's a simple fix, but I just continue to go along in my negativity rather than change. I'll be fully aware of it but yet do nothing to shift it. It's interesting to me, to be totally self-aware but yet still not be able to change exactly when you'd like to. I know change comes gradually through repeated effort to get there, but it's still interesting to think about how amazing the human mind is, both in its willingness to change and stubbornness not to.
What works for me is looking at life on a day by day basis. I'm a huge big-picture thinker and I'm always dreaming of the future, but when I know I need to work on something it's important for me to stay grounded and focused on the now. Cutting out sugar was hard in the beginning, but I took it day by day and all of a sudden I find myself finishing up a month of sugar-free living, and I feel proud of this accomplishment. So right now I'm just taking each day for what it is, a chance to be the best person, wife, and mother I can be; a daily chance to achieve small goals that eventually work into the bigger picture. I know that if yesterday I found myself in a negative place, today I can change my attitude and be kinder to myself and those around me. I know that if I get into a disagreement, if I didn't make good food choices, if I was more lazy than productive, then right now I can do it differently. And doing this day after day, making small decisions to be better, leads to positivity being a part of the majority of your days. Then weeks. Then months...
Most of all I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I'm a perfectionist by nature but I'm learning that nothing will ever work out to be exactly how I planned or pictured. And that's okay. I'm not a fortune-teller, so any firm expectation I have in my mind will never be met, because it's impossible to see what lies ahead. All I can do is keep working on little things everyday, accepting myself, and moving positively forward. It's exciting really, seeing changes, and totally satisfying to take a step back and know that you are in fact accomplishing goals you've set out for yourself, no matter how long it takes.
So with that said, is there anything you find yourself working on, on a daily basis? Do you have anything about yourself you want or need to change but have a hard time doing so? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for reading. xoxo